Even though there are significant obstacles facing single parents in recovery, there are ways that others can love and support them. If you know someone in this situation, here are some ways that you can help.
First, you can offer to babysit or pay for a babysitter so that the parent does not have to choose between their children and recovery. Second, if providing childcare is not an option, you may be in a position to provide transportation to meetings or childcare. Even the smallest thing can make the largest difference in someone’s life. Lastly, you can show your support simply by understanding how overwhelming parenthood can be, let alone single parenthood. Taking care not to let stigma color your perception of a single parent can go a long way in opening the door for sympathy and communication.
One of the major concerns that a single parent in addiction recovery might have includes being able to afford treatment and also being able to afford to hire someone to watch your child when you are going to treatment. This is especially true for those who have recently relapsed and aren’t able to find adequate childcare. Another obstacle comes when trying to find meetings that allow children to attend or finding a babysitter who is willing to come to the meetings with you. This also translates to the difficulty of finding sober living situations that can accommodate children. Single parents often find themselves out of luck and have to choose between going to treatment or taking care of their children.
Let me highlight these elements from my own story. I sobered up in ‘87 at 23 years old and got pregnant after four months and had an abortion. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and was not taught about birth control or sex, so I got pregnant again four years later. At the time, my boyfriend was addicted to heroin, was in a gang, and couldn’t get sober. Three months after my son was born, his father was incarcerated, and I was left alone. I didn’t know anything about parenting. I didn't have a good mentor for being a parent but didn’t want to have another abortion, so I was on my own. My son is bi-racial, I am a single mother in recovery from crack, and his father is addicted to heroin. The world essentially wrote him off as a failure from the start, but I was determined not to let it happen. I asked a social worker about what I should do. I wasn’t sure if I should even let him visit his father. In the end, even though I hated him, I took him to visit his dad every weekend for four years. I took every parenting class that the state had to offer because I didn’t know what I was doing. Throughout the whole process, I was ashamed of my situation, but I didn’t want that to
affect my parenting.
The struggle was finding meetings that would allow me to bring my son. How could I go to a
meeting when I was living hand to mouth? I didn’t have money for a babysitter, and most
meetings were not child-friendly. Minneapolis had a large Cocaine Anonymous group that asked group members to volunteer to watch children during meetings each week. I don’t see that a lot down here in Florida, and I think it would be a great thing to implement for those who are in the same situation. For other meetings that didn’t allow children, I would still bring my son. If I didn’t go to meetings, I knew that I would go back out and use.
People would ask why I would expose my child to this world of addiction and recovery?
Ultimately, I would say that we must break through the stigma that society has of us in general. In order to do that, we need to not be afraid to talk about addiction to those we care about. I never thought it was too early to talk to my son about addiction. My main goal was to avoid having my son put in the box that society wants to put him in—namely, that he will never amount to anything because his parents struggle with addiction. His 6th-grade math teacher even told him to his face that he would never graduate high school. They tell you it’s hereditary. My childhood was full of abuse and alcoholism while my son’s father is back in prison. But you can come from a background of addiction and dysfunction and still break that cycle through hard work, determination, and support.
Don’t believe the lie that society tells you. I pushed through all of that. My son experienced everything having to do with addiction in my life. Some of my friends even died from overdosing, and he was there for that. I believe that you must break the stigma through exposure. In the end, my son graduated from high school and college with an engineering degree.
However, I ended up pushing so many of my problems onto him. I would constantly tell him not to use or to drink and drive, but he didn’t struggle with the same things that I did. As a parent, you need to be totally honest about what addiction did to you, but then let them make their own decisions. Don’t let the fear of them developing an addiction overcome letting the person develop into who they are. I was so scared that he would become like me that I obsessed over preventing it even though I secretly knew that I couldn’t. All I know is that if something happens and he falls down the same path that I chose at his age, I have the resources to get him help.
Another large aspect of my experience is that I relied on everyone around me. You can’t do this alone. I had a family nearby that helped raise my son because I had to work. You have to humble yourself enough to let people help you do what you can’t do. You can’t let yourself feel like a failure and let that prevent you from reaching out. The cycle of addiction can be broken; it just takes a lot of work. I’ve always really valued organizations that cater to women in recovery who are either pregnant or have kids. We need to help them get past the guilt and shame that society puts on all of us as single parents in recovery. This is a much-needed resource here in South Florida. Here at Delphi, we have many alumni that have children of their own. I want to work to provide resources for parents within our community. If you are a single parent who is simultaneously managing addiction recovery, my advice to you is to give up whatever guilt and shame society may have placed on you for not only being a single parent but also being one who is in recovery.
You also need to understand that you can’t do this alone, and you don’t have to. Make use of all of the resources available to you and don’t let your pride or shame prevent you from asking for and accepting the help you need to be able to be successful both as a person in recovery and as a single parent.
- Gina Taylor
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